I am llevao'

"If the dreams all that I got, then I wish you in a fairy tale where you're still in love with me".

Could that be possible, that we only love once?

I'm about to believe it. I just can't conceive that I have been in love with the same person for four years, and I still love him with the same strength I did the day I told him. We haven't even been anything more than friends. He knows I love him, but I don't know what he thinks about it. He just keeps his mouth shut. And when he opens it, he says nothing that really means something to me. From the very first day of our story the thing has been more than confusing. We've fallen appart thousands of time. I do have the will power to get away from him. But I have no power enough to stop him from getting near me.

I wish he loved me back. I've had other relationships during that four years... but I'm still in love with him. No matter what happens. He can betray me and put me through the sharpest pain... I'll still love him anyways. He's the only man able to take me to heaven and down to hell with few words.

Four years I have had to hold on. And I still have empty hands. And I know they will always be empty. He cannot love me. I cannot stop loving him. And it's not like I don't want to. The best thing that could ever happen to me is to wake up one day and realize that I don't love him anymore. (I guess it would be the best thing that could ever happen to him too). But I've tried hard to, and he doesn't seem to notice that I'm trying to forget about him and then we're together in my room with my rubbing his back.

I wonder what he thinks. I don't want to ask. It would sound as if I wanted him to think something about it... as if I wanted him to feel something for me. Which he doesn't. I wonder why my way to him isn't just closed for ever. Every now and then I find a little piece of faith. And then I started to hold on when I thought that my life was over. We've grown up together to our adultness. We were just teenagers when we met. Now we're adults and we behave worse than fifth graders boys.

He actually has a girlfriend. I think he loves her, and I think she loves him back. I don't think they look good together... but what really matters is that they feel good on each other arms. I wouldn't feel just good. I'd be the happiest man ever on earth. But I can't have everything in life. I just have what I need to live. I don't have anything to be happy with. Well, I feel happy around him and all that stuff, but then I think of his life in few months, and knowing that I ain't gonna be with him anymore since we already finished our bachelors degree, and I can't help but feel really down. We're gonna fall appart this time... for good.

And it's heart wrenching. It breaks my heart to think that I'm not seeing him anymore. But if it's not like that, I'm gonna be in love with him for the rest of my life. Be in love with him as I watch him make his own life, maybe with a wife, have children, and me all by my self and still in love with him. We're going through a good moment between us. But I think it's gonna be over in less than no time leaving me in pain. Many of my friends have told me to stop loving him, they have told me that I can't be in love with someone that only brings heartache to me. It's not just heartache, I think. It's sorrow, impotence, pain, tears of joy, tears of sadness, "wholeness", power, confidence. And the most important thing... I learned to love because of him. I can't conceive other but him. I think that he's Mr. Right to me. But I'm not worth it, I think. Not at least to him. Well, frankly speaking, I'm not worth to anybody since I'm always by myself for a given reason I don't know. Which push me to love him even more 'cause he is all want to have.

I wonder if I'll forget about him, of at least if I'll ever stop loving him...

I am llevao'

Llevao: You use that word on someone that has been in love for a while and that is not loved back, and that can not forget about the other person.